I'll Never Let Go
by tsukamatopudding
Summary: Germany stared down at his hands. "I won't-I won't jump, okay?"  Italy's eyebrows raised slightly.  Germany sighed. "I promise!"   Rated M for suicidal thoughts, cussing, and future lemon.
1. Let's Drink 'Till We Drop

Germany sighed, and leaned his head back. The beer bottle clutched in his hand let off a clanking sound as it made brief contact with the concrete below him. He was sitting on the ledge of a bridge that spanned a deep ravine with a raging river at the bottom. Germany's hope was that he would be so drunk that, by the time he hit the bottom, he would feel no pain.

Unfortunately, all of those years of drinking beer had made it impossible for him to become so with the few bottles he had brought with him to this remote place. He wished he could go back home and get more, but he didn't want Italy to know what he was doing.

Germany sighed once more. _I couldn't tell him. What would he do? Cry? Try to wave a white flag in my face to make me stop?_

Shaking his head, he tried to clear it of thoughts of his best friend. Sure, the other countries were nice to him _now_, but he knew nobody really liked him. Italy probably hung out with him because he was protected with Germany.

Taking another sip, he closed his eyes. _Hopefully,_ He thought. _I have the guts to go through with this. I'll jump when the moon is right above me._

He glanced upward. The moon was only a few feet away from where he wanted it to be.

_I wonder who Italy'll hang out with after I'm gone. Who will protect him? _Germany squeezed his eyes shut even further. It was bad enough he was destroying himself, why did he have to destroy Italy too? _Maybe he'll find someone better._

Germany flexed his arm, and the bottle crashed onto the rocks below and shattered.

_That's what happened to me._ Germany mused. _Held for a while, and then thrown down and cracked like an egg. No-one can pick the pieces back up again. God, when did it all go so wrong? Why do the other countries hate me so much?_

With this thought, Germany opened his eyes just a fraction to check on the moon's position. _Only a foot away now. Might as well stand up to get a good last look at things._

With a small grunt, Germany unbent his stiff knees and stood, leaning on the cold metal brace that he had rested his head against before.

_I wish I could be drunker for this. This is going to hurt like hell. I wonder for how long?_

He tapped his fingers solemnly against the unyielding substance. It echoed dully, and Germany chuckled weakly. _Just like my heart. Empty, and hollow._

Germany looked down. The water pounded against the ground there, and he winced. Hopefully, he would be dead before he was impaled by those rocks. _Will they find me? I hope not, I hope they just tell Italy I ran away somewhere…_

Glancing upward, Germany saw that the moon was exactly where he wanted it to be. He dropped his coat on the concrete, and, hugging himself tightly, got ready to jump.

"Germany!"

Germany jumped, almost falling off the bridge.

"Germany, no!"

Germany turned, and saw a figure running towards him. The next thing he knew was a pair of small but surprisingly strong arms was being wrapped around his chilly waist.

"Italy?"

The small country buried his head in Germany's stomach, sniffling. "Where were you? I was looking all over; _everyone's_ been looking for you!"

"I…" _Should I tell him?_ "Italy, let go. I was about to….to jump off the bridge. Let go!"

He attempted to prize Italy's arms from around his waist, but he couldn't. He was shaking from the cold.

"Germany, NO!" Italy screamed. Germany jumped, he didn't think Italy could make such an unearthly sound. "I can't lose you! You're my best friend!"

"Italy, let go, dammit!" Germany hopped down off of the barrier, hoping to detach Italy with the force, but he just curled his arms tighter and continued screaming into his chest.

"Germany, you can't leave me! What would I do without you?" Italy sobbed.

"Italy, calm down!" They stood, with Italy wrapped awkwardly around Germany, until Italy calmed down. He turned his face up to stare into piercingly blue eyes.

"I've lost someone before." Italy mumbled. "It won't happen again. I know you don't like yourself, but I-Germany, you can't just leave! What do you think would happen?"

"You're just saying that because you want to use me!" Germany shouted. "Everyone wants to use me! America wants to use me as a footstool, China won't talk to me, and the whole world mocks me for my past!"

"What about me?" Italy demanded. "I'm a weak coward!"

"You use me too!"

"How so?"

"You use me to protect you!" Germany yelled. "You probably don't even like having me around!"

"You idiot!" Italy said. "I love you, stupid!"

"You-wha?" Germany said, confused.

"I love you!" Italy sobbed. "Your blond hair, your blue eyes, your attitude, the way you protect me-you idiot! I didn't hang out with you so you could protect me! I hung out with you because I was selfish and I wanted you for myself!"

"Italy, I-"

"Fine! Jump off a bridge!" Italy screamed, now climbing up onto the barrier himself. "But if you're going, I'm going too!"

"No."

"What?"

Germany stared down at his hands. "I won't-I won't jump, okay?"

Italy's eyebrows raised slightly.

Germany sighed. "I promise, okay! Just, promise me that-"

"AH!"

Italy slipped and started to fall down towards the icy river. "GERMANY!"

"Italy!" Germany leapt forward and caught Italy's hand. Italy swung back and forth, like a pendulum on the edge of death. "Hold on!"

"I trust you!"

Germany felt new strength with those words, and grabbed onto Italy even tighter.

"Don't let go!"

"I won't ever let go!"


	2. Empty

"Don't let go, okay!"

Italy nodded, and beads of sweat appeared on his forehead.

_Even though Italy has a light body, _Thought Germany. _I don't think I can pull him up. Shit! What do I do?_

Germany could feel the smooth fabric of his glove slip in Italy's soaked hand. He grunted, and grabbed Italy's wrist with his free hand, trying in vain to pull him back up. "Just hang on!"

"I trust you!" Italy's eyes were shining with tears.

Germany could feel Italy's hand slip away inch by inch, and soon, only their fingers were touching now.

"Italy, I-I can't!" Germany sobbed. "You're slipping!"

Italy's face hardened. "Drop me."

Germany gripped Italy even tighter. "Never!"

"I said drop me, dammit!" Italy shouted. Germany looked shocked to hear him say such a word. "I won't have you die because I almost fell off a stupid bridge! Just drop me Germany, I don't want both of us to die!"

"No!" Germany snarled. "If you die, I die too! If you fall, I'm going down with you!"

He closed his eyes as he said it. Italy's fingers finally slid out of Germany's.

"I love you!" Italy screamed in terror.

Germany squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't hear anything but a huge pounding. He listened for a thud, a sound, anything he could possibly make out over the _thunk-thunk, thunk-thunk_ of his heart. Tears as blue as his eyes pooled themselves in his irises, and spilled over. He made as if to jump over the barrier.

"Woah, there!"

A strong but friendly hand settled on his shoulder.

"Britain?" Germany said in disbelief, his face clouded with pain.

"Are you alright?" The many-browed country asked.

"No!" He grunted. "I was about to jump!"

"We know." Britain said. "We saw Italy fall-"

"AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?" Germany screamed. "FUCK ALL OF YOU! YOU COULD'VE SAVED HIM! NOW HE'S DEAD! JUST A GOD DAMN DROWNED, CRACKED CORPSE! FUCK!"

But, as he spoke, a haze began to make itself known, and it drifted over his eyes, pulling him into a deep sleep.


	3. All Alone But Surrounded

I am so sorry this took so long to put up! I have been so busy with school and life (what's life?) to write lately, not to mention I started writing a new book, so I've been busy with that too...As always, reviews are awesome!

Germany felt hazy. He wasn't sure where he was, or what was going on. Dizziness felt like it was covering him like a blanket, and he couldn't find his eyelids. He couldn't feel anything.

"Hey-Germany!"

A peppy voice struck Germany's ears like a stroke of thunder, and his eyes suddenly appeared as the dizziness vanished.

"I-I-ta!" He gasped, but his mouth wasn't participating with him, and all that came out of his lips was a gasping burst of air. His eyes swiveled around the room, looking for something, something that was missing.

The light in the room assaulted his eyes, but he forced them to stay open, forced them to look for his lost friend. A blond form hurried into the room, and identified itself as Britain.

"Germany, is that you? Are you awake?" Britain asked, stupid questions that Germany ignored as his eyes continued flying around in their sockets.

Another figure appeared in the room, Japan.

He bowed quickly to Britain and ushered him out, grabbing a chair and sitting down next to Germany's bed. "How are you feeling, Germany?"

His old friend looked calm enough, but Germany could tell that there was something under that mask. Germany suddenly remembered that no-one was his friend. Not after-what had happened to Italy. He scowled and looked away.

"Germany?" Japan was starting to get worried. His brow crinkled.

Germany decided he was going to stay silent. He wasn't going to speak to these people. He had since realized that he was in the hospital, though he wasn't sure why. And he knew one other thing. He was going to find some way to commit suicide. Maybe he would end up in hell forever. But his current state already felt like hell, and he was beyond caring for the length of eternity that he might risk burning for.

Since he wasn't going to speak, Germany tried to distract himself with thought.

It didn't work. Visions of Italy hanging over the edge of the bridge, screaming his love to him echoed dully through his ears. More things flickered by, Italy cooking in the kitchen, Italy standing beside him through thick and thin, Italy trying to brave, failing miserably, and looking adorable.

His voice swirled around Germany's brain, sounding like a siren, getting louder with every heartbeat.

_Germany! Look at this cat! Germany, I found this great recipe! Let's make it together! Germany, I think we should go to the park and have a picnic today, it's so nice outside! Germany, Germany, Germany..._

He stayed silent for a long time, and he heard Japan get up and leave. He reached for the tubes in one of his arms with one hand, but he was too weak to make it. He bent his head towards it, and just managed to bite one of the tubes in half before Japan came running back into the room, with a syringe, and Germany felt a cool prick in the crease of his arm as he was forced back into the realm of nightmares.


	4. My Sunshine

_Germany felt free. Freedom swelled through his veins like suddenly warm blood, bringing about euphoria that made him want to laugh. That feeling stemmed from his right hand, where something held it tightly, like a vice._

_It felt as if the sun itself had decided to cheer him up, and he smiled as he rarely did, letting his guard down easily. His blue eyes softened as they were embraced by amber light, laughter echoing in his ears and freeing his own breath to bubble in joy._

_The grip on his hand became more and more pronounced as the sunlight increased. He couldn't see anything, but he could feel everything around him. Light, trees, birds, animals, water, feelings, and the person next to him who was holding his hand like he was trying to cut off its circulation._

_Normally, Germany would throw off such a grasping thing, but he didn't even register that the person who was holding his hand could be slightly evil. After all, when had Italy ever really hurt him? _

_Just then, his eyes flicked open, and, with a cry of agony, he fisted his suddenly empty hand. Empty. Forever._

When Japan came to visit Germany again, he walked in to see Germany to find the blond sullenly staring out of the window in his room, with his back turned to Japan. Sadness hunched his shoulders, and his body turned in towards itself, like he was an old man who had gone through much suffering.

"Germany, are you feeling alright?" Japan asked. But he might as well have asked the air for all the response he got. Japan sighed inwardly and drew a chair away from an adjacent table to sit facing his friend.

"Where am I?" The question was devoid of any curiosity, any feeling. Just a statement, really. Not even a question.

"In a hospital in my country. I thought…it would be better for you here." Japan said softly.

Germany said nothing this time, and Japan eventually got up to leave. Germany turned his focus to a cast that he hadn't noticed before. Everything was spiraling out of control without his Italy.

_Italy…_

Germany couldn't close his eyes. No. No, no, no. Every time, every time he blinked, flashes of his sunshine, his little personal sun of happiness was gone. Snuffed out. Dead.

_Italy…I wish I could've died. I wish that I could've died instead of you._

He made an oath then. He made an oath that he would join his Italy wherever he was now. In heaven or hell, the afterlife, the underworld, or nowhere. He would find him.

_I need to find a way out of here. But I need to take something I can kill myself with…maybe a katana? I know Japan would have one somewhere. I need to convince him I'm well enough to walk around, and I'll find them. Then I need to get to them._

He walked slowly around the hospital, with Japan at his side. He had told the somber country that he was well enough to walk, and that he could handle a stroll around the hospital. It was just as he had thought.

Not too far from his room were some katanas in a glass display. He would have to get to them, somehow. But that meant that he needed a distraction at some point. He thought about starting a fire somewhere.

He knew that he was going to have to move quickly. Japan had a sixth sense when it came to other people's inner workings. When he was snugly back in bed, Germany tacked off on his fingers what he would do.

And then it would be, as Italy might have put it, "show time".


End file.
